A Touch of Rain

Unexpected triggers

I'm having a weekend full of weird and unexpected highs and lows. I had planned to write a different post this weekend (about an opportunity I had to speak about my ED to a swimming team) but that's had to be postponed to allow me to process some triggers I've come across the past 48… Continue reading Unexpected triggers

A Touch of Rain

The Recovery Body

I think I am in "recovery". After suffering from bulimia with anorexic behaviours I now find myself 18 months purge-free. During those 18 months I found myself becoming less and less scared of the fear foods and I started to deal with triggering situations better every time. I found myself re-educating a love for myself… Continue reading The Recovery Body

Thunder and Lightning

Unresolved

Please don't ask me to talk about my eating disorder if you're going to end the conversation as soon as I tell you what's going on. Please don't ask me to open up when I say I don't want to, but you decide I should, and then leave me with these thoughts festering in my brain.… Continue reading Unresolved

Thunder and Lightning

Restless Rest

I had a week off work last week for no reason other than I had holiday to use and figured that back in March, a random week off in June would work well. I struggled that week more than I ever thought I would. Between all the hospital appointments I had scheduled and the inevitable… Continue reading Restless Rest

A Touch of Rain

Just Because

Just because you see the smile doesn't mean there isn't anything hurting behind my eyes. Just because you see the food being eaten doesn't mean there isn't any fear behind every mouthful that I swallow. I'm not pretending to be okay. I'm fighting to be okay. And each day is getting better...I think so, anyway. In fact,… Continue reading Just Because

A Touch of Rain

Near-Exhaustion

The pain cuts deep. It stings and it burns and I simply can't hold back the tears that fall. Taken back to hospital just when I thought I was okay. Just like always, the hope comes crashing down, once relaxed but back on guard. Always seem to be falling. Always dragged backwards against my will.… Continue reading Near-Exhaustion

A Touch of Rain

This is what my ED looks like

An llness that doesn't care for age, height, gender or (rather ironically) weight. My ED carries a smile. A smile that whispers to the world 'I'm fine'. A smile that begs for someone to ask 'what's wrong?' but knows that if anyone does, it'll crack. My ED walks with a head held high. One that's… Continue reading This is what my ED looks like

A Touch of Rain

‘Time Heals’, That’s a lie.

Right now I am a mixture of very happy and very sad and I’m trying so very hard to figure it all out. I’m trying to figure out all these feelings and emotions and words and thoughts and I can’t work out what they all mean. Everything I feel lately seems to be a contradiction… Continue reading ‘Time Heals’, That’s a lie.