Okay, so the other day in an attempt to get out of the most horrific torrential rain I darted into the first coffee shop I could find. I had an hour to kill and I most certainly wasn’t going to keep window shopping with my current non-existent-bank-balance.
I grabbed my coffee and sat down just pondering many weird and wonderful things that occupy my mind at the best of times and I looked at the cup I was drinking from. So, this cafe is called ‘Eat’ and there are simply loads of them around London, very well known, very popular and, indeed, the coffee’s not too bad, if you’re in a rain storm and simply anything will do.
When I looked at the name of this coffee shop emblazoned on the side of the cup in huge, unavoidable letters it sort of made me laugh a little. That type of laugh where you ‘scoff’ at something. I was like huh, that’s ironic.
I appreciate that it is hard for others to truly understand the complexities of eating disorders but if I seriously had a pound for every time someone said to me, just eat something, or, just don’t be sick…it’s so simple.…well, let’s just say my bank account wouldn’t be so non-existent anymore.
It’s funny how the simple things are always the hardest to do. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Eat three meals a day. Keep the portions correct and don’t purge.
Just do this and don’t do that.
A practical aspect of my recovery is to plan my meals in advance but there are days where even that feels like an impossible challenge. I wake up every morning convinced I’m going to eat the three meals I’ve thought long and hard about, the three meals that everyone eats on a daily basis and yet, just still, there’s something holding me back from reaching that grand total of three. I definitely eat two meals a day, that’s for sure but I also know that, although I am in a far better place than previous years, there’s still room for improvement.
There’s still room for that third meal.
I appreciate everyone’s kind words to me, I really do. It’s just hard to explain to them that telling me to eat or even seeing me eat doesn’t mean I’m okay. I still get nervous around certain foods and in situations where eating out is just sprung on me spontaneously. However, I know just how much better I’m coping with those type of situations. Putting my happiness before the fear and I’m so pleased to say that happiness is definitely overcoming the fear lately.
Just the other day, eating at a pizzeria was sprung on me at last minute when we were out and although that food has been such a bad trigger for me in the past, something I would be scared of eating, I wasn’t. So much happier not just in that moment but in myself generally that the fear was only there for a few seconds.
I gotta admit, things are definitely becoming easier done than said.